i'm sleepy
2003-10-10 ~ 12:52 a.m.

"...i can't help but feel responsible...i always knew that you were insane..."

tomorrow night is the party...

it is a fucking long ways away and i am not thinking i will be driving that far in the dark. i really hadn't looked.

my commute days from arlington working the midnight shift ruined my hopes of ever mastering that fear.

i read something today that struck me as true...i am much more afraid of my imagination than anything else. facing reality, i will rarely back down or be cowered. no...i drive myself into realms of mental terror with very little outside help.

it was hard to talk to my niece tonight. i really have difficulty facing the fact that i would build a relationship with this kid...for so many reasons.

she is too much like me. she is moving in to the ap english classes and wants to tell stories.

she is not a fairie child, though she can translate their words.

as for most everything else...

well.

it is future and family and friends and dogs...and a frenzied fine festival.

fuck.

talked to comrade tonight about relaizing how much of my time is taken up with and by explanations...

and fuck the explanations. i am so tired of explanations. don't explain anything to me...just tell me. outright. use small concise words in a structured *hi hester!* format rather like a 'sentence'...and just spit it out.

i rant about this because i am sick of doing it...feeling like i have to...or doing it out of some learned behavior thing. doesn't matter.

or maybe i just talk too much. or maybe i just need that much control over my environment.

obviously, this is a work in progress...

"shit man, i am working on it."

going to my cave now...

~vamp

...previously... ~ ...next...