monday is wednesday
2004-01-12 ~ 8:27 p.m.

this is not a place where everything is okay. want this place to talk about all the things that aren't okay. or something like that...

i found out this morning that my doll face lost the house. i am sad in many different ways. that was my first house. i have lots of memories of that house. there are still a few last second chances that might pan out, but they spent the weekend moving out before the deadline.

my ear hurts. i called dr. don, but i have not heard back so i will call again tomorrow. it is really pissing me off. it is just the steady throbbing deep inside my ear and around to the back of my head. it started as an ear ache. just a plain little ear ache a few months ago. then i got the flu, so it seemed to fit in when i went to the doctor. except it never went away really. i just ignored it. and then i woke up one morning to realize the pillow was wet. (it's okay, i said 'ewww' too) and ever since right before that happened or right after, my hearing has been fucked up. no one seems to really understand what i mean...or they don't seem to realize how much it is fucking with me. see, i can't hear myself in the left side of my head anymore. that is beyond crazy in my world. in my world, i hear a steady stream of background noise in both ears. now i can't tell if, or what, i can hear on my left side. but every noise or sound that comes from the left front of me is going haywire somewhere because my brain is translating it as having come from behind me. and that is just a mind fuck. do you understand how many times a day i am turning around to see nothing and missing the person standing in front of me?

"if i didn't know you, that would be funny"

i am just listening to sarah and playing games now...blocking out the world as much as i can.

"...leave me be, i don't want to argue

i'd just get confused and i'd come all undone

if i agree, well, it's just to appease you..."

back at it tomorrow.

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