bedtime extended
2004-05-12 ~ 12:21 p.m.

thinking about so much, my mind is running in circles.

mostly caught up in the thought of her tangled up in ivy smoking green on a porch of kudzu.

there was a draft in here. drafts are funny things.

been cleaning for a while, had a lot of stuff to go through. so much more is waiting. sorted through years of cards, drives, cables...motherboards before ram came as a stick.

i am going to live like a non-techie. a rebel. i am not going to have more than one spare computer at any time...

it kills me. heh. but it really does. not the computer parts. the whole thing. life. whatever it is supposed to be. and i know what you are saying and you are right, it does kill me...it kills us all. but you know my point. it beats you down as much as it can before it kills you. or...every day you just die more.

just keep typing...doesn;t even matter what you say...just keep typing, not worrying about punctuation or grammar or spelling and you see what happens...and you type and fucking type and nothing happens. that is what happens. nothing. tomorrow i go to see doc. and it is true, has to be...i haven't been to therapy in over a year. i didn't quit. nor am i going back. as a matter of fact, i have no idea why i am going tomorrow. but i am. strange, a little. perhaps.

but you can't forget that i do hear voices, and it is not funny like the t-shirts. heh. not always, anyway. now it is fascinating for me personally to note that the inside voices are all actually one voice; devised, created and constantly maintained by me...which is bad ass in its own right. but no wonder i never wanted to wake up from anesthesia. it was so peaceful.

tangent aside, it is important to note why i quit going in the first place, the reason behind the excuse. and that is why i am going back tomorrow...which is perfectly circular, thus making sense.

i give it up for now. i can't say a single word of what i need to get out.

really sucks that rusty got hit by a truck. he was a perfect mo-sized playmate. they had a lot of fun together.

i swear///the midas touch of death.

the house is empty. interesting.

time for bed.

......

good luck with that.

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