today is sunday
2004-07-04 ~ 5:18 p.m.

doing the yearly review in my mind that shortly follows or sometimes precedes (depends on its mood) my birthday.

but first, the weekly...canada day was good. most everyone called or came by or left a message. that was nice. it was a fine day. very pleasant.

then...well, the next day happened. and something happened that day. unexpected. something never really good. definitely a downer. but...it will work out for the best. there are better jobs for you out there. and for me too. somewhere.

which us brings us to...yesterday. i pretty much just kept my eyes closed, as though it were all a dream. today is floating by, and i am not doing the yard work...but i will. i did do the laundry though. damn.

happy fourth of july. enjoyed the firworks.

so now hester has departed on her brief journey, and i wish her luck and mad skills.

not sure how much is mixed up anymore...everything is rather much in the air. but with the two of us, we have contigency plans for third level strategy that in all probability will never enter the equation...but, just in case.

funny, she just called. made it safe.

we'll see what happens.

so, as i was saying...about the here and now and yesterdays.

at best this thing has only a weeks worth of life left. i'm just pulling the code.

i read back to november, skipping over the more recent. the entry on the 30th gave a good indication as to my feelings then, at that moment.

if i read the entry on december 22, the one i wrote at work...there i am. itching to get home, but there i am.

and then in the course of hours, i was not okay. not okay at all.

after that, it is abbreviated. by work briefly, but mostly punctuated with grief. sorrow. sadness.

i always say i can't sum it up, but i can. i already have. just 'wordier' than summations usually are.

so that you understand that life is more than those pieces. more than the puzzle pieces that don't seemt to fit at all, but ultimately make the scene.

more than just jules getting senselessly killed. more than mel having to move back home. more than her mother's cancer. more than my being sick, again. more than my mother losing her store and having a rough month. more than me losing the job. more than terri losing the house. more than kim with the med cocktails and medical discharges and flashbacks. more than you. more than her, and her dog. more than reasons or justifications. and always more than me. more than i can list. life events.

that is how life is. always bigger than just you, with pieces you would never realize, picked out of someone else's mind and put on your board.

this has just been a period of "duck and cover", previously known as "the sky really is falling, motherfucker".

and because it's been said before...

i like these...

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility,

never an opportunity." - Kahil Gibran

"There is no old age.

There is, as there always was, just you." - Carol Matthau

"You can rest assured that if you devote your time and attention to the highest advantage of others,

the Universe will support you,

always and only in the nick of time." - R. Buckminster Fuller

~

i haven't done quotes in a while, but there are some good poems back along the way.

=/=

there is something i know about abuse that i have never read in a book, something that i am sure is written about or explained somewhere...but i don't care. i know it in a primal level. everyone knows not to expose their weakness in a group of jackals...but i am predisposed to a thought pattern that exacerbates this i think. it is all about satisfaction from reaction. don't cry, they like it. don't let them see you hurting, that is what they want. don't show anything at all. show nothing. show them you can't be broken. the only way you can. that was a mantra, still sometimes is.

and that does strange things to my thoughts and what i am able to express. i tried a different way with just a few people, and my tears washed them away in the tidal wave.

and that is not, was never, can't even recall a time when the outcome was what you really hoped for in life. i'm sure there are many examples of it though, and you can read all about it elsewhere.

take care.

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