playing possum
2005-03-09 ~ 11:33 p.m.

more stupid than smart most days is what i think.

can't get the thoughts out of my head. can't get them out.

i wish i could explain, not to you... to myself. to understand something more. to understand better. to fully comprehend.

next time around, i hope i remember when i am young and guileless - standing in some other pasture looking at another side of the sky - that in order to make it in this world you have to be hard or stupid.

no asking for wisdom. no asking for life's lessons so you can be a stronger, better person.

and if i must ask for those things again - in that next time around - then i at least hope i wait until i have grayed naturally or stayed myself on a course before life waylay's me.

i am thinking about little hands and soft eyes - and the two are not related at all except they dance together in my head this night.

am on so many antibiotics that the nausea is unending and my body just wants to rest. and there is much to be said for 'being still' - but i guess it just isn't quite time for that.

...

if thankfulness is derived mainly from knowing that it can get worse, then i would imagine there is a more apt term than 'thankfulness'. i have to think about this some more. ouch.

...

moving on... have you been keeping up with current events? i have known many people who don't watch the news and who subsequently believe they are happier and more at peace for it. and while i think to myself..."ah, self...what a great way to be" ... i also understand why i have always argued against that. i imagine retseh could expound on this a bit more (and i could be wrong), but that seems to fly in the face of social theory to me. after all, the point is... this life, this world, is not about you. this is so much bigger than you. we are tiny specks of expendable, replaceable energy.

and 'playing possum' will still get you shot and eaten for dinner where i come from.

=/=

and because i ought to mention it, seeing as how i have studied it endlessly...they caught BTK you know. now i have no idea what happened to innocent until proven guilty... but i suppose the inverse of "if the glove don't fit you must acquit" is "DNA match and trophy collection buried in the backyard". i truly hope they uncover everything that man has ever done, and i hope the vultures of society respect his family. so many senseless crimes, so much senseless violence, and so many victims.

isn't that the real essence of life when you aren't distracted tasting the nectar of the gods?

not the point of course, merely the substance or 'meat'.

...."he has a hearty dessert for appetites. no, i mean sweets."
haha - exactly.

namastay.

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