drowning with no water
2005-05-03 ~ 1:03 a.m.

it'an even mix of anger and sadness. despair makes for tasty sprinkles.

guess it is better to be the afterthought of someone else's life instead of my own. that's a nice way to look at it.

sure.

so anyway. i am making the needed plans and will be contacting everyone with the info soon.

i was tripling the meds to try and get any measure of sleep this last week...now i am out and once again muttering about options under my breath.

outside of that... thinking about my little place in the big city and my dearest friends...

there is nothing. my life is overwhelming and i am ready to throw in the towel.

i need somone to buy me dinner and let me sob for a few more hours. i'll end up getting that this week amongst all the plans.

i would like to use her shoulder though, and knowing that... makes me wonder even more what the fuck is going on.

i don't have the words for the emotions racing through me. i don't have anything that i will need.

i am coming to the understanding of how much my life is about to change, how all the plans i had just laid out are nothingness and how i have to start all over again.

i am scared, maybe even terrified. but in the line of feelings i have to feel...they are a few down. right now i am content to cry and be overwhelmed.

and in case you were wondering, it would be a great idea to call me. i am desperate for familiar voices.

which makes me cringe at what is about to happen. the inevitable.

i love you, my friends. from whipser to scream but stuck inside my head. i just want you to know that.

i think though that i am doing a good job of not being the person i was/could be. i will hold onto that just like i plan to hold on to all three of my dogs and the cat. no matter what.

everything is slipping through my fingers and i am too tired to do anything but watch it flow away.

i wonder why my thoughts drift to you this night. wonder about the things she said and how i miss you. but i know. and i want to tell you. soon.

because as the days and the sleepless nights continue and the word from home is now reverberating with the news...

and i wish you would call...though i know you are busy. but i have something i have to tell you. i need for some things to happen before i can move from shell-shocked to functioning.

before i can take another breath without willing myself to do it.

i am praying, they are praying and throwing out ideas...and none of them seem to work. nothing ever seems to just work out, but you take what you can get and dislodge the thankful feeling from the lumo in your throat. even if you have lost sight of everything.

i wonder what you are thinking on a night like tonight. what you are doing and what you are dreaming.

i am not naive enough to wish, hope or pray for a break anymore.

i no longer want to see the light. as a matter of fact, i want to sew my eyes closed.

time, xanax and kleenex. and one plan away from greatness.

my eyes are soft for her tonight though she never sees my eyes anymore.

going to bed now.,..to toss and turn and frantically try to control this slow-motion train wreck.

i hope you are sleeping well.
much love,
vampy*

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