oblivion
2002-08-11 ~ 8:20 a.m.

the wrenching needs to stop...

i am firing up the carving wand...

ouch...yeah, it's hot. *sucking finger*

i found an accoustic live version of torn...which prompted the lyrics to flow...

i fear nothing

besides myself

please don't touch me

love like an infant trying to stand up

am i two souls

one hard, one whole

am i real

i don't want to feel anything

anymore

i feel nothing

besides this pain

please don't watch me

love like an infant

scared and crawling

short...yep, but what a sweet track.

the little green monsters trying to claw out of my gut need to be pummelled.

or shot.

i would say carved out...but the alarms might go off.

i need real wood...bastardized lame craft store wood chaps my ass. and i am pissed that my other fire wand no longer gets hot. i need new things. funny the books i ordered in january and never picked up. two books on wood burning, two on empathics and spiritual healing and yet another foxfire book.

i have the perfect toad playlist...

almost all accoustic.

i got my electric bill yesterday and added to the stack, everything toppled over. i have to pull together two grand just to make it through another month...out of thin air.

and i'm so tired of trying...

there are no solutions...and i am sick, truly sick, of ruynning it around in circles in my head. i am getting dizzy.

"the harder you try the further you fall"

it is such a distant memory that i ever had it together...that i was working toward something.

but i am a doormat...walk all over me, everyone else does. i give too much and people take it for granted after a while. then i find myself in the back seat...maybe even shoved down in the floorboard, listening to the thrum of the wheels count the miles of bitterness.

discontentment does not suit me.

being truly afraid because i am about to lose what little i have left doesn;t really suit me either...but what else can i do?

i am going to stop this...i know where this goes. i have files full of it already. i just can't sleep to save my life and doc has yet to explain how to stop the spiralling. err...or maybe i just didn't get it?

...jump back...gotta get out of here....when will we fall down...

i have a bit of coolness going on though...i am physically holding all kinds of shit at bay, even though i keep saying i'll just let it go.

the sharp objects are collected...the fire wand is braced...

i'm going to go wander off in to oblivion for a while now...i'll send postcards.

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