left field or one ball short
2002-07-09 ~ 11:24 a.m.

i lost my checkbook...again

dammitt

i am still waiting for sleep. another 300mg of neurontin in a half hour.

if it doesn't finally help me get to sleep, then it will most surely put me in a semi-comatose state.

circles under my eyes...but no cutting, been good. i weigh in at 125 dead even, 129 if talon walks over my foot.

but i hate myself.

and i can't make it to lbj and the tollway because i can't even open the garage door today. today is one of those days. those days when everything threatens, and nowhere and nothing is safe.

so i sit in my office, in video game mode. with enough sense to know i don't have infinite lives, and i wait...

wait for what?

wait to die? wait to live?

and out of the fog..."it's about time"

and i agree. i do.

but i am still scared.

the waters are cold and churning and it is dark...and there are no safety lines.

nothing to guide you to where you are going or where you came from. stuck somewhere in the middle. denial?

of what?

the fact that you are crazy!

i'm not crazy

yes you are, you are talking to yourself.

that's quite a sense of humor you have there.

where?

haha...yeah, i get it.

i should explain...

the last two nights have been sleepless. i slept yesterday afternoon a while but woke up to the nightmare i wrote about. bad day all around.

then last night ash and i got into a screaming match over my "incorrect logic". and i don't need this shit.

but i get it anyway. all i needed was for her to let me see things my way for a while, even if my way does not agree with the norm.

see, all i wanted was my one driving safety. the illogical theory that if i make the drive, wherever it is, into some type of loop, circle, ellipse, just something with curves...that everything would be okay.

it isn;t like a magic rabbit foot, it's just a little game i play with my head. create a safe pattern to follow to take the anxiety out. and it might not be the best one in the world, and it might not be the best way to handle things...but it was going to get me to doc's today, i was gonna make it.

and now i want to smash my fist through my window.

and hope great big shards get lodged in the gooiness and muscle tissue.

and this isn't me at all....i don't feel that way!

i feel relieved that doc is around

i feel happy that mel is coming back

i feel safe....

and it all falls apart!!! no, no, no....nothing falls apart.

i want to be a better person. i don't want to feel little and scared and mean and dark and all i want is to be worthy.

worthy of what?

worthy of anything but pain i guess

and i am angry and i am sad...and i am way out in left field.

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