mom is smart
2002-07-09 ~ 11:55 p.m.

i got to talk to you briefly...

and it wasn't enough.

there is something in your voice that i can't put my finger on...but it makes me want to pull you close and hold you tight.

i'll get a sword and we will befriend a dragon and live in an old castle somewhere. what do you think?

and now for all of you thunderously silent voyeurs...a story.

this is the story of how i was out done. out smarted. by a feisty little 17 year old from canada. go fucking figure.

but first, i have to find a way to apologize to doc about my missing my session...while knowing that i very well might be the same way i was today any other day in the weeks and months to come. and that is like asking for forgiveness for something you intend on doing again. a preacher once told me that 'god' can see into your heart and so he knows whether you intend to do something or just do it without intending to do it. no wonder i was confused at 7.

but then i refer to back to some rambling entry into this thing where i almost had it...and missed it completely. but i have the question now...and i am gonna stew on it for a while.

why do i make everything so complicated? why can't i just open my mouth and say what is really on mind or in my heart? why do i deny myself that? or do i not have a choice? am i really just that complicated? is my life as complicated as i make it?

no. look at the intricate complications of my web with my mom. i created that. and i think this is probably important for me. but i also destroyed it. i ripped it to shreds in about 2 hours...and it took me 22 years to get it there. but the point is that i did it. i clawed through the lies and half truths...and came out the other side still whole, still breathing...still here.

oh! an update with my mom:

called my mom this morning...

"hey mom"

"hey there"

"what do you know?"

"oh, nothing much...do you know anything?"

"no, not really."

"has ash started to pack yet?"

"no mom, but i really don't want to think about that right now."

"well, don't worry about it...you will find the right one someday."

"What?!" "the right one of what?"

"Huh?"

"You said the right one....the right one of what?"

"well....roommate. i was just saying you would find someone and you would be happy one day."

verbatim...trap door memory.

now, you have to understand that this is the secret language between my mom and me.

"do you know anything" stands for...do you know anything bad? has anyone died, has anything burned down, or been destroyed?

"you'll find the right one someday"....whoa, this is new. what the fuck? is that my mom getting as close as she possibly can to knowing i am gay without actually saying it??? HOLY SHIT

and there i go....pushing the envelope. look at me! could i smile and let it go? nope...had to ask....had to go there. and my poor mom got flustered! haha flustered! it was so great!

and i pause and i reflect on my life...

and i claim to have loved and loved well...and i have. never gotten a complaint in that department...but that wasn't love either. because i won't allow myself to be loved, i think. i am rather haughty, and so very naive.

we crave love. we crave all those things that are supposed to feel good. but we try to stop that need, to convince ourselves it isn't important...because rejection hurts less than not being loved, than being unlovable.

and how malleable the mind of a child, how susceptible to mixed thoughts and emotions that a child's mind cannot grasp. think about it, really think!

what messages were you given as a kid? what did you really know and understand?

and i stammer and i stutter and can't type for shit.

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