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today they stayed with me
2002-07-10 ~ 4:04 p.m.
the line is drawn No more. No more will i take this. I just won't. I won't accept this, I won't let it happen. You were in the dreams. You have no place in those lands of half truths, where demons walk their errands briskly. yes, walk. Just because you live for wings for a millenia does not mean you forget how to walk...look at the birds. but i forgot. i can crawl or i can soar...but nothing in the middle. perhaps i would take the time to relearn, if i intended on staying around that long. but i get it....i really do. like a fucking tornado ripping through metal and twisting it beyond belief. i get it. and i want to go to oz...i want to meet the wizard. i want to be the wizard. i want to die. dead wizard...hmph Let me look into your eyes Open the door to your soul. I've been shown the way a thousand times, But I don't want to go. Take me to the people Let me tell them what I know. About the shadows Dancing on your walls. They know what you do, Hear what you say... Even when you take their light away. You always say I need to go your way But the cuts and scars run deeper, Trailing down my arm. Who are you to say I'm being led astray? Maybe I'm to young to know, But I've been told which way to go. And all you righteous men Just don't understand. I've been there before And the cuts and scars on me... They run deep. Deeper than you will ever know. i woke up...jolted awake, from a few hours of sleep. i knew i had missed her call...and i had, all of them. and fuck me for ever trying to sleep in the first place. i should have just been pacing, back and forth, back and forth in my cage. i cannot believe how much shit i have fucked up in the course of a few days. no session with doc... throat desctruction matches with ash... my poor hopeless mother... and me, lost in my own here with you in your there. and i wanna believe you....when you tell me it will be okay. i wanna believe you....when you tell me you love me. but how? how do i believe it? how do i believe anything beyond the inevitable.....the fast approaching clippety clop of the inevitable. cause i know me...and nothing is ever easy. everything has a price, and i never got my toll tag. So C...how willing you far to go? How far will you swim out before you dive down....deep and curl into a ball and stay there. Just fucking do it already then....but no. NO! I won't go down without a fight, fuck you...each and everyone of you. I will not be dragged down today. Not until I understand, not until I overcome... not until one single fucking thing goes right on this godforsaken planet. might wanna stop smoking that pipe right now then, cookie. cause things don't change like that. things don't change because you will it or want it. it is just like everything and everyone else. you know the rules to this game. look deep, you do. shame and blame...you are bad. you are not worthy of being loved. you are unfuckinglovable. you are second choice, nothing better, nothing more. need it spelled out for you again? you create relationships that will capsize. what? yes! terri? hello. big fucking wake up call smack on the head. did you expect her to love you? you were a child, a sniveling child and she wanted a woman. and for ash and everyone in between...a bigger smack, no...more like being fucked with a baseball bat i imagine. heh, a little to close to home for ya C? right. well get used to it! cause that is how things are meant to be for you...must have been a real shit in your last life. Noooooooo! gonna play the indigo girls....grasping at straws. but yes, i know the shortest straw will undoubtedly be mine. i heard all of this and more. silence.
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