numbers and names
2002-07-10 ~ 4:49 p.m.

fists clenched....nails digging into flesh....

remember to breathe? ha! that is what i am trying to forget.

i want to stop writing, want to step away from this damn box and go the fuck home. i want to go home, i don't want to be here.

in this place of emptiness. please

and the expected anguish does not come...the tears won't fall...the hurt has outdone itself this time. numb to it all....numb to everything but rage.

and rage is best directed at oneself when oneself is the bad guy anyway.

i am so close to throwing a temper tantrum...glad i am alone. don't know that doc would agree, but i think i really upset him. that figures you know...slap the hand that tries to help. that is you alright. like a wild animal in a cage, panting....eyes wild....willing to snap at anything that comes close...don't you dare trust!

what the hell kind of a side attraction is a wild animal who isn't wild?

and i am going to hold on to the small fact that mel is coming back tomorrow. even though she probably doesn't want to...i hope she does. and that is the only reason i am not back on the ward wearing my colored beads. cause i want to pick her up at the airport, if i ever know when or even if she wants to see me.

a little less wild? shaddup

my stomach is in knots again...damn.

i didn't think after yesterday/night i had a stomach left at all. i was hoping i didn't.

i am supposed to be in touch with my feelings? hahahahaha sorry

okay.....so my feeling word for today is: panicked, worthless, enraged, curious, background or foreground? not sure.

you asked how many doc...and there isn't an ego state in the world that wants to answer that. i am different, i feel it...glaringly, at the moment. not completely split...and pretending to not be co-conscious, that is a new skill....learned in the last year. just another way to not accept responsibility. that is what happened, right? but i'm not sure. too many thoughts all being shoved in my head at once and my poor hands have no chance at ever keeping up.

there are 8, doc. 8 is a very important number. there are closets full of more if you want those too...but those are the dead ones. the ones shoved way back into closets where the screams aren't so fucking loud.

it is a shame it had to be this way, really. the kid had promise.

another thing, no names. no drivers have names they will ever give away. that is too easy, too easy to lose control that way. and you wouldn;t want this little red fucking car to roll would ya? what little red car? yours, dumbass.

ummm...i hate to be the voice of reason here, but i don't drive a red car anymore. i drive an explorer now.

HA!! as if you ever drive!

shit, i lost my place.

i want to claw my eyes out.

passionflowerfruit, all one word. sly smile. knowing eyes. more complete in new birth than any of the fractured skulls residing here.

now, let me see if i understand this.

i have never allowed names to be spoken, speaking spirits...don't run! not bad, just never let it happen. never let it carry me away in dreams. i held on tight, really tight. and now i am losing my grip. now? more like i have been losing my grip for a while...and finally plummeted to the depths. exhaustion? giving up? neither. it was just the way it played out.

who would have thought that ashley might not live to see another day? that her death would be yours too. and the hands go up...

those are friendships kiddo. and you love strong and deep and true, no matter what anyone ever did. you realized this last night...but it didn't hit ya. what you thought was love...was and is love. you aren't confused about that. and loving bad people, or stupid people who do bad things...happens all the time. and that's okay too. remember? remember the night in the parking lot in cedar springs. the man with the gun. remember it. you had him kicked out of the bar and he stayed out behind the bar, waiting. remember this. you had a goal, when you saw the glint of metal. a plan, and it was a good one. take a bullet for her. no problem. but cookie, that is how you love. you love that completely, even still. and that is the greatest thing you could ever have. you would lay down your life for anyone you call friend, and while misguided, your intentions are understood. that isn;t the confusing part? haha ahhhh....the confusing part is love from in love....? in love melts you...

okay, lemme lay it out for ya.

in love as opposed to love...

love is willing to take the bullet.

in love is willing to take the bullet, but unable to scrape the puddle you are into solid form to actually take the bullet.

and no wonder you are scared. the closest you have ever been to this are small connections made via your computer...because the real world scared you too much.

so, whatcha wanna do?

wanna go get your jacket from the cleaners and make the magic happen? or do you want to give up and let yourself swirl down the drain?

and stevie nicks is covering free falling again and the sun just came out...and i will get more freckles, but i am gonna go sit outside and smoke a little and dream about a life where things were a little different, and castles and dragons and magic swords are real...and you are the princess in the tower and i wanna be a knight.

i am so tempted to keep writing...now that i found an almost calm place. but i think that will spiral me down again, best to stay here and keep dry for a while...just a while, no worries.

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