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black and white
2002-07-10 ~ 4:26 a.m.
sarah sings.... unravel me a distant cord on the outside is forgotten a constant need to get along and the animal awakens and all I feel is black and white the road is long the memory slides to the whole of my undoing put aside I put away I push it back to get through each day and all I feel is black and white and I'm wound up small and tight and I don't know who I am everybody loves you when you're easy everybody hates when you're a bore everyone is waiting for your entrance so don't disappoint them unravel me untie this chord the very centre of our union is caving in I can't endure I am the archive of our failure and all I feel is black and white and I'm wound up small and tight and I don't know who I am everybody loves you when you're easy everybody hates when you're a bore everyone is waiting for your entrance so don't disappoint them everybody loves you when you're easy so don't disappoint them don't disappoint them ... and my insides feel like someone is ripping. if i get sick one more time there will be nothing left of me at all. and i wonder what is going on...but i don't know. and i feel disconnected, and this is torturous. chest, throat, jaw....tight. unbelievably tight. can't breathe, can't talk. foul taste in my mouth, confusion and then comforting blackness. and the line is fuzzy, blurry...can't differentiate the two. it is too bright in here. stay focused, breathe...head snaps back stay focused, don't leave! i amjust tired. i am gonna go to bed soon i hope. dunno stevie nicks is singing free falling. proof that god loves us...for stevie nicks to cover free falling and for wimnx to exist so i could have it. very good things. i have to go through some files...i have to find something i will listen to black and white again and wait for the feeling...the gut wrenching feeling. then i will listen to edge of seventeen because it fits...it really does. sarah also sings about drowning in a river of our own tears. tonight makes me think it is actually possible. no...no tears, just the familiar swell. the pressure building and building and the frantic measures taken to stop it from happening. i had the line wrong...it is if i cried me a river of all my confessions would i drown in my shallow regret. that doesn't fit at all. these waters are deep. very deep. too deep...underwater, can't breathe. talked to shane, my shane...and he told me something very sweet about you. he got a half smile from somewhere for that one. but we talked a bit about writing and his new book is mucho good. he is going to be a good writer. i am a tough critic, especially in the genre of our lives. he needs to trust his heart. i can't believe anything but that i was sent to canada for the sole purpose of meeting shane. or he was worth the trip, whichever makes you more comfortable. hehehe i kind of vented towards him....sorry about that brother. but thanks. shane is funny. i told him about how i felt so sorry for doc. here i am, this crazy chic, with a girlfriend...in love with another woman...bringing them both to therapy. i told him about my group discount joke. he laughed. he reminded me that i am engaged to him...i had forgotten momentarily. maybe if i had the big diamond he promised i would remember more often, eh shane?? some eskimo in alsaka somewhere has it, using it as a fishing lure i bet. sure...mmmmhmmmm and what does this dot look like? sorry....random, tandem.... he says we are a match made in stream....i find that incredibly funny. and shane...you damn well better read this and write in my guestbook just like i do for you. otherwise there is no interaction....and i miss interacting with you. we make wild things happen. wooooo i miss her (you)...told shane all about it. he gave me a cyber hug...he sang "oh give me a home where beefalo roam and timmy's flows all day..." for me. he is a rockstar. he just needs to realize it and embrace the suaveness. crack the whip... hehehe....shane and i together are like me and hester in the old days. i believe my little mexican would call us "dirty birdies"...hehe but i am redoing my bedroom. and yes, i am very aware that i am trying (within reason) to mimic the decor in the bedroom of the house. the safe room. it needs to be safe, to be made safe....it needs to be safe to be there, to sleep there. and so it needs to be redone. i have it in my head to redo everything.....everything needs to be redone, done over, revamped. but there is no money. but...i can redo the bedroom cheap. navy damask duvet cover...white fieldcrest sheets, very soft...the importance of thread counts, good thing to know. and i got it cheap...so cheap that i have birthday money left over for bills. so i don't feel so bad. and i am getting sheer panels for over the bed, ceiling mounted. and i will deck anyone who calls it feminine. i want to get things right this time. this year, this whole year has been hell...but i have learned a lot about myself. i see the patterns of deconstruction and anihilation in my life. every three or four years i crack. but i also see that it gets progressively worse, not better. and that is not the goal. the goal is for better things. the goal is for me to feel...to feel whole again...to just feel. but i do feel. i really do. it is what i feel that drives me back, that rips my guts out, that leaves me dead eyed with any sharp object i can find, that threatens to kill me from the pressure. i feel. i feel too fucking much! i can't distingush myself from other people i feel so much. i take other people's pain...it is no big deal. ash's migraines...yeah, that little white asprin did all, sure. it's just energy. and i am a magnet for it. the alarm clock fucked with my head a minute ago. the dislpay just warped itelf. interesting. hallucination? dunno. took my meds. my shoulder is bad i am afraid. much worse than i am admitting. it hurts way down into my side now. i tried to throw a tennis ball tonight for the dog and almost threw my arm out of socket. i don't like to be touched, but i let her feel it...and she is right. i have got to find a way to get the tension out. but i wonder if that wouldn;t make me really sick. next time i do anger management, i am gonna throw a few at "anger management" for this. i feel like my shoulder is in a vise. i feel angry that my shoulder is not working. and i really should follow up on this ulcer thing. told you i was a lemon. 27 and i already have lost parts and am in definite need of repair. damn...i talked about the 17 year old canadian chica who out smarted me without giving credit where credit is due. so a round of applause for the the little cutie, avril lavigne. her 'debut' album is just that good. "Life's like this You fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turn it into honesty" the download time...or purchase price alone is worth that one line. and it's a new place for me... and i am struggling because the biggest part is being honest with myself, and that is tough when you can't tell the difference between hallucination and real. and i stumble, and i stutter and i fall like i've got nothing to say...(told you the canadian was good) because you are worth it. and so much more. and when i am with you, i know it is real.
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