"feelings" for today
2002-07-23 ~ 2:13 a.m.

i have managed to alternate between three very different emotions tonight...

first, i was pissed at doc. really pissed. as in the "where the hell do you get off" kind of pissed. he sent me an email with a few more of his choice words...

"Have you decided to feel and tolerate the difficult feelings associated with these memories; practice tolerating these feelings; and then move on? Or do you want to hang onto these engrossing memories/feelings from the past rather than live in the present?"

if i hear this one more time i am going to choke someone. here it is all laid out...i got ripped open and i felt emotions. but no one has yet to tell me how to begin to tolerate those feelings. maybe i shouldn't need anyone to tell me this, but the jury isn't hung on what i don't know that i should. and that leaves me here all bloody and feeling very exposed and i have no idea what the fuck you mean when you say "tolerate the feelings". that is some wack clinical term to me. feelings, emotions are not what i know...not what i understand...not what i trust...and their land is foreign. how then, am i supposed to just grasp the illusive concept of "feeling your feelings safely and in a controlled way". if i knew the answer to this i wouldn't need therapy! i am really trying so hard to make this work, and if no one sees it then maybe i am just hallucinating.

and i dare someone to ask me if i am safe.

my second emotion was grief and sadness...

but i couldn't tell you what it was for. it seemed more like i was grieving for what never was, instead of what was. i am more than a little insecure about being alone, because i know i am not safe really. and on top of all of it, i feel useless and i fucking hate that. there was a pattern formed very early on in mine and ash's relationship...one that revolved around me being useless. i was sick, i needed something...another brick of resentment. i was too tired to go out...yet another. and the list goes on and on and i can't believe what a terrible person i feel like and how terrified i am of asking anybody for anything. and i wonder how i am supposed to right these cognitive distortions about my self hate and self blame when there are such glaringly stark reminders as yet another failed relationship. and i grieve for something that never even had a chance. i am sad because even though i wouldn't want things different, i wish you had been able to see even a little bit of hope for me. because it really kind of hurt when you said that.

...ahhh, and i wish too much, there i go again.

and then this third feeling, the one i'll hang on to for a while...no matter what doc says about hanging on to things.

you made me laugh and i smiled...

and you stuck around a while...

and i am glad. really, really glad.

...previously... ~ ...next...