no dead chickens
2002-07-25 ~ 8:56 a.m.

wow...8:56 AM

and here i sit

and i have no idea what to write...no idea where to even start.

i thought about my homework a lot, and i am still angry that doc pissed me off so much that my thoughts for the week haven't been about me getting well...and that is my loss.

but i have still given my homework much thought.

my goals for the next few weeks/months are easy. but goals for long term? that is like a really funny joke. whatever happened to the principle of living one day at a time? don't think i don't know how this story ends...

besides, i already know my goals. i guess maybe doc doesn't know all of them, but he isn't the one to make them happen for me...

i want more than i can say, more than i deserve, and more than i should ever even begin to expect...

ash im'd me...to tell me how much her stomach hurt and that she had to invite her best friend from arkansas down to see her...and that the T1 guy said she needs more RAM and some other things....and i say "no shit"

and i can't explain to anyone, not even myself, where my life has gone. but i am mad and i want it back.

i have been working my ass off for 6 years on making something in my life work right...or just work...and this is where i end up.

so, mel went to take bryce to plano and i think maybe i should mow or something...something to not think about the things that i am thinking about.

something to take away the thought of all those things i have destroyed, not been worthy of, or those things i silently want like oxygen...

but before i can go i should probably touch on the barn/shed for doc.

i did what you asked...and there is nothing there that i can image. and i am not being resistant. i see it in my mind, and all i have is clutter....lots of clutter, it is dark....and at the very back, in the little room...my dad is sitting with his back to the wall.

no bodies, no blood...no dead chickens.

and maybe today the sky won't fall.

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