what i feel with you
2002-08-14 ~ 4:44 a.m.

it is later than i thought...or earlier...or whatever

i was in bed....laying there in the dark, thinking about smashing my head repeatedly in to the wall when she called. and it was so good to hear her voice on the other end of that phone thingie. and i don't want to say that i was waiting and hoping to hear from her...but i was.

and i know she is hurting and sad...and i know things aren't okay...and i don't know if they will be okay...but it is worth a shot to believe.

i would give everything i might have in this life or the next to see your heart smile. or to be there to wrap my arms around you every time you want a hug.

my life is littered with self doubt, mistrust, hatred and hurt...i can't seem to make it through a single day/night lately without wanting to kill myself...or hurt myself...or bury my head in the sand. and i keep kicking myself because you deserve better than me...

but one thing that keeps me going is choosing not to believe that i cannot be good enough for you. that one day we won't be happy. yes, happy. just like the dwarf. but more of a subtle, creeping feeling that you don't recognize until you are in the middle of it and you suddenly realize that you don't want to die because you want to get to whatever comes next...but if you did die right then, you would go out grinning.

so that is my somewhat butchered definition...and i keep saying that one day i will feel it...but i already do.

every time i am with you. i just want you to be able to feel it too. and i wish i could do more...or be more...or just go around pummelling enough bystanders so that you could feel even a fraction of what i feel with you.

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