the pink bicycle
2002-08-14 ~ 2:23 a.m.

so...it is almost 2:30 and i need to do something...anything.

jack and cutting, sleeping pills and crying...who needs sleep anyway?

i needed some company...so i im'd my shane. asked him how he was and got..."bored, tired, depressed, angry, suicidal, and writing"

i ate a slice of cheese and thought about airing up the tires on that bicycle to get to whataburger.

i tried to go for a walk...but there is no place to walk to.

i am more afraid in my house than out of it now...that is a twist. truth is, i just can't be alone right now. all i wanted for years was to be alone, and all i can think of now is getting to a place where there are other people.

i went back to bed and laid there for a while after i cleaned myself up...

i am going to go back to work soon...i am sick of not being able to go and do as i need to. that is what is driving me loopy right now.

either i will go back to work or i will live out of a box until she can get her car back. i have no other options. i would move to a cheaper place, but my credit got so fucked up a few months ago i won't qualify for a new lease...not to mention the animal deposits i would have to pay. and the whole roommate idea is bullshit. so here i am for now.

shane is feeding me his new additions to the story...and i don;t have the heart to tell him that i am just not in the mood.

i wrote a lot of stuff up there a minute ago that i just erased...

and it is just as well. i need to go through and just delete this whole thing. maybe it will take pieces of me with it in to oblivion.

i signed back on to see if she might be around or come around...i thought you were going over to her house or i would call...but i am not sure. you said you were getting ready for company like four hours ago so i guess it is at yours...i don;t know. i don;t need anything though...so i hope you are having a good night.

i swallowed some more big blueish pills...and i wonder if they will work.

seems i wrote an entry about 8/13...kinda thought i had forgotten that day ever existed. that is one i keep to myself...it's just better that way. at least it is better for everyone else, and that is how it should be.

it is thundering here...how fitting. i guess the bicycle plan will wait...i lost my appetite hours ago anyway.

besides...the damn thing is pink. that figures.

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