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2002-08-13 ~ 10:57 p.m.

i spent all day avoiding what i knew to be really wrong with me. so my mom is pissy because i am worthless...she still loves me. so "a certain her" can't be my friend with all this weird shit i have going on...so there are bills to pay...so what?

today's date means nothing to anybody but me...

and it has been such a long day, just like all the other times.

and it is almost 11...so this cursed fucking day is almost over.

my mom called at 9...to tell me that ray limley's funeral was today. thanks mom, you have the same memory everyone else does, and no concept of timing.

and maybe this shit shouldn't matter to me...maybe i shouldn't dwell on things that can't be changed.

maybe i shouldn't dwell at all...

i can't keep the feeling of being utterly alone at bay. i haven't felt this way in a long time.

so...for him:

i breathe your memory in on days like today. it is fetid and gets lodged in my throat. you motherfucking thief.

of course it doesn't matter to a damn soul...or a damned soul...

it leaves me cold and alone and haunted.

and i am sure i shouldn't feel this way...as i have said many times, i do so hate to make a mess. but i am drunk and i don't give a shit.

this is my cross...and oh, i carry it well. but one day i am going to bash in your pretty little skull with it.

i had iron clad resolve earlier...fuelled by rage and despair, and the purer thought of her with fleeting glimpses of hope.

now, i have nothing....just as you meant it to be.

it could have been any day...always around. but it had to be today...you chose that. i chose to go away...

i want to run away from home again, but i am too big to do that now.

one knows i must be pretty desperate to try to call blondie...and terri and hell, i even thought about im'ing dionne...to get out of this dark and foul place in my mind.

to get out...out of my head...out of my skin...to do what i couldn't do then, and can't do now.

to escape.

to have today's date be anything other than what it is.

to not be sitting here, crying tears that shouldn't have been mine to cry...

drinking just like i did that night...hoping the scald of hard liquor would wash something away...or at least push it further down.

midnight takes her sweet time arriving...not that anything will be different then. so, the date might change and roll over...and it will be the 14th...what then?

today still existed...even if i can cross it out one more time.

shit...it is just 11:28

another drink down...and it isn't even 11:30 proper.

eh, fuck it...it doesn't matter anyway.

so...cheers you sonofabitch.

i am going to go drown myself in jack until i pass out.

maybe tomorrow i won't feel this way.

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