so any number of weeks ago a strange thing happened in doc's office, and even he missed it completely.

he asked me to write down what 'i' wanted.

i have been asked that so few times in my life, with real intent, that the question itself baffled me.

what exactly do i want?

and i can't begin to do that homework assignment.

i'll do anything else he hands me, but that one is too hard.

and i don't think it should be hard at all. so why is it?

is it really because i put other people before me? is it because i have never heard one voice in my head clearly enough to comprehend any wants? is it because i am too timid, too broken to want anything at all?

so here it is...

i have lists and lists of what i don't want, because it is what i already know.

but if you ask me what i do want, i stumble and stutter because what else is there? really.

"it's not having what you want...it's wanting what you've got"

fierce blinding reality

stumbling towards

another door

undone at will

bathed in new light

then shrouded

shrivelled

to be born again

or to decay

i just burned my middle finger trying to ash...coordination, that is one thing i want.

for someone called 'needy' so much, i sure am having a helluva time figuring this out.

no more.

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