well...

so therapy was today.

and the afternoon was a blur.

and the evening even more of a blur, with a nice panicked edge.

i need to email doc i imagine. i might get around to it.

i am sitting here, staring at the envelope with my lease papers...renewal notice for a year.

i am going to smoke now...decisions have to be made.

i have been putting off the inevitable for days...

i know that things would feel a little better if i could force myself to make these decisions...but the thought makes me want to crawl in to a hole somewhere.

so...the lease papers. i'm not signing them. that is my first decision. the next decision is the big one that is ripping me in to shreds. cause if i don't sign these papers...well, yeah.

but i need something different. something manageable. something that will let me be, in peace. something where the ghosts of what never was don't find me in the wee hours of the night and drive me over cliffs. yet i can't. something about money and fucked credit and disability.

karen is talking to me...telling me about her bartender at sue's and how cute she is, as if i could care. but the talking is nice. wow, she took a 41/2 hour nap...maybe she should write this entry.

i tend to let myself be controlled by my indecision...and that is not an option this time around the merry-go-round.

there are two places i could move to. and if this were many months ago and i had forseen this bind, i would already be there. but my foresight sucks these days, and if i go now it would feel like running.

and running is just more spinning of my wheels...and my tread is thin enough.

i was driving tonight, nowhere near control, when my mom called. i think one of my metaphorical tires might have blown out tonight.

i have an email to write.

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