retseh called...but i didn't call retseh back cause i don't know what to say. i can't go down there. even if i weren't feeling so unsociable. i was feeling sociable earlier...but that was earlier. and now...now the house is quiet except for my computer humming. so i will just sit here and listen to that. i am so fucking bored i could scream. but that would take away from the humming and so yeah.

i can't believe it is 9 on saturday night and i could be doing stuff, maybe even having fun somewhere but my big entertainment is listening to my computer fan...shit, who am i kidding. this isnt't going to change...not like this. the truth about things...well,

truth is...something i can't write in here.

it has something to do with planting flowers in a garden and watching the sun set...and cleaning house...and a bunch of other smoke that one can exhale and exhale...but never manage to inhale.

there are eggshells in my sink...and i find that funny. my life right now is one big eggshell...and the reason i opt to not speak my mind and talk about those things that are weighing heavy these days is because of something like eggshells.

i am going to go and get dressed like i have plans...like someone will be pulling up at the door to take me out of this fucking house for a while...to try to make me smile. i am going to go play pretend so i don't end up in the corner snivelling like thr fucking child i am.

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