what a fucking night.

why the fuck did i wake up? *looking around*

doubled my meds and woke up like someone fired a shotgun in the middle of my head a few minutes ago. the bullet travelled through the misfiring synapses and felt strangely like talon licking my hand.

it's fitting i suppose. if only the bullet part had really happened.

my dreams were of her, so now to distinguish dreams from reality. oh, i forgot...i don't get to do that. it just isn't my place.

and there are so many things i wanted to say. there was a reason i wanted to talk things over today. but who really gives a shit what my reasons might be, or what i might want to talk over.

besides, i am not stupid enough to think talking, or anything else for that matter, is going to help me cross this canyon.

and it almost makes me cry...but that is a laugh unto itself.

thankfully though things will be normal for a while. i can slip a little deeper in to my madness, and with my own mode of transportation i can actually get some shit done without feeling like such a needy fucking bitch.

and after this little expanse of time, things here won't be the same. i have a re-org to do, and they think i was a bitch before...well, someone better get them prepared.

in other news, i have been lied to, and it doesn't matter how small the lie...i fucking hate being lied to. and in the mess of confusion surrounding what is, and what could be, and what will never be...what i deserve and how worthless i am...i still don't tolerate that. i don't have to. so that little part of my life, or what could have been...i am just choking on it now. and anyone who knows me at all should know better, ha...that is just funny. maybe doc knows a little more now. we shall see.

in that fuzzy place between sleep and awake mel called this evening just as i drifted off. her tone might have crushed me normally, but it wasn't really me. and it isn't as though i don't understand, but where might i get that credit from? exactly. besides, it is not as if it really matters anyway. and a part of me wishes i could "just say that", but the rest of me understands the difference.

in the last few minutes a big majority of that second session came back to me. guess my "allowance" ran up. eh doc? and with the pieces, fragments, comes a subtle change within myself.

so to sum it up for myself...

there was an event that transpired a few weeks? ago, late one night. something happened that has happened before. something that broke sacred vows within my mind and my heart. something, considering, i should have seen coming. who gives a fuck if i had never actually done that? and i will leave it at that. she left, of course, to go home to sleep in her own bed with her own dreams and demons...and i was here with mine. and apparently i decided to drink enough iodine to kill myself. and for all intents and purposes i came really close before something in my brain smashed through and made different choices. eliminate threats, not yourself. i will eliminate you later. and his first choice was blood...second choice was done instead. and i am left to pick up the pieces...except that now, in a semi state of co-consciousness, i don't want to. not this time. i might have helped create this mess, but i will be dammed before i help fix it. i am sick of doing those kinds of things on my own. i had hopes, i still do...despite all the bullshit...but i am putting the crack pipe down.

doc tried to tell me to give it time today, that i didn't have to make these decisions. he tried to tell me a lot of things, i am not interested. because in my head, the withdrawal has already begun. and there would have to be a lot of backpedalling and actual communication to land this back on any semblance of ground. and frankly, i talk to myself too much already.

so i called her today. not really sure what i was going to say, though in the back of my mind, i had ideas. i actually got through to her and we spoke. granted, she thought i was someone else...the perils of not having caller id i suppose. but in that brief communication, i remembered something.

i remembered what love sounds like in the timbre of someone else's voice...and it cracked me right down the middle.

you are right about that doc. on another note, as for the exchabge we had on the phone...you said you would call mel, after i agreed to do whatever it was. and i told you it wouldn't go over well. i might be wrong, i think sometimes i am...but i doubt she will buy it.

i talked to matt and karen as well. both only briefly, but in brief conversations one learns a lot. karen was going to do me a favor, and ended up making me just fucking sick. so much for the little things that explode in to things you didn't quite expect. matt just wanted to see how things were. things are fine, i am holding on. what else would i say?

so if i seem distant, if i seem cold, if i seem disinterested...then just remember that my defenses have been around for 27 years and have gotten quite good. better than anyone might really expect. certainly better than i act most of the time.

and maybe it is just 4 something in the morning and maybe i am just a bit paranoid and unsettled...lots of maybe's. but whether it is a maybe or a most definitely doesn't really matter at all tonight.

i am so fucking done.

bring on the bullshit and learn.

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