somewhere in between the storm and conversation, i changed things up a bit.

code is still a little shaky cause netscape doesn't like css and i was feeling nice...so deal with it.

i talked to an old love i thought lost to me forever. it was nice. she said "...when all else is black remember that no matter what I still love you. I told you once I'd love you forever...I wasn't lying. I think about you a lot...and I still want to show you the mountains of colorado."

i told her she owed me a beer. we laughed. she is happy and i am glad. she has someone who will stand by her through anything, even september. and i am beyond happy for that. it is the principle of the silver thread, you know. that no one is meant to fight demons alone. it isn't a matter of stubborness or willingness...it is the fragile thread of love and just how strong it really is if you let it be.

we talked about what things have become for me and her big question was "who speaks the most truth?" in the context of things, there is much to that question. and it is one that i must find the answer for...and fast. i understand when doc says to be patient, but he really doesn't know everything.

because as time unwinds itself with such momentum we all risk becoming.

becoming unravelled and tangled within the murkiness that is the undoing of the world.

i felt like a fool earlier today for letting myself feel. for saying something. different things to several different people...and then it was gone. i washed it away with the Posies...ken stringfellow just sang it all away.

my playlist:

diary of a love song - maynard (live and fucking incredible)

you're the beautiful one - posies

i may hate you sometimes - posies

schism - tool

my big mouth - posies

everybody is a fucking liar - posies

naked fringe - tori amos and tool

how she lied by living - posies

at least for now - posies

find yourself alone - ken stringfellow

reveal love - ken stringfellow

any sign at all - ken stringfellow

at least for now - posies

i have been awake for about a day i guess...just don't feel like sleeping yet. have to get up early though, as those things that should have already been done have yet to be done at all. ooops

just because i don't feel like a fool anymore, for saying what i have said before, for opening that door i am sure you like closed...it is still true you know.

i just realized that every light in the house is on...nah, that little storm didn't bother me at all. *small smile*

everything changes in an instant, in the daily momentum - thrusting - pushing - dragging - of time.

it has been harder to look at myself in the mirror since she died, and i got lost somewhere...i did. but i spent a good part of the day purposely working with my own image...purposely changing this lay-out...to the way that i see me. for in looking at oneself, i think there is something to be learned. and i am ready for this lesson.

through the gray mist that rolls with every passing moment, the sun is about to break through.

are you watching?

and by the way...i would like someone to sign my guestbook. i will not beg, so just pick a crayon and give me love.