mom: i have some bad news...

me: who is it?

mom: well, it was a suicide...

i had hoped...i really had....that the stupid fucking dreams weren't true, just once. i told you last week it would fucking happen again.

and i...what do i even say?

i want a shoulder to cry on today. i want to be able to grieve. i want to be able to feel this the way we are supposed to...

but it is a tangled mess...am i angry or sad or just afraid? afraid that this was some sort of precedent...

and even as i type this...i feel familiar things swarming around in my head. i am going to choose again to not feel, because this, this is all too fucking much. what kind of curse do those poeple i know and care for carry...or is it what i have always feared and it is me that is cursed?

one single little tear is rolling down my face...and i guess that will just have to do. cause there isn't much left of me.