so it was a suicide...and it resonates in my empty room.

and they will all sit around and say it was the drugs *the prescription sort* that sent her over the edge...

that she went out of her mind on these drugs...anti-psychotics, antidepressants, anxietys meds and the like...

because they need reasons. because the truth is ugly and scarred and best not viewed through bifocals.

they would never have known, not in a million years, that there was something dark stirring beneath the placidity of her reflection in the mirror.

never have known that, like so many others, she hurt. that she was afraid. that she had demons. that she was a lot like me, us.

but the bile that rises in the back of my throat is not subdued by their reasoning. *though i admit the possibility*

yet within the confines of my mind, i can't stop myself from thinking that she gave up. and i hate myself for it, but she was so fucking bright and she had so fucking much to live for...and maybe she didn't see it. maybe no one told her recently. maybe it was just the meds.

maybe they need their reasons, and i am just angry and hurt enough to scream out that you don't have the right to choose death! choose life, choose pain, choose misery, choose love, choose to be loved, choose to have distraction with a big order of fries on the side...just don't fucking choose death.

i wish that i could cry. funny that when i don't want to cry i can't stop and when i do need the release, it won't come. the pain, the loss, the unending grief that is etched in to my life has left me hardened, even bitter.

and michelle, i am sorry. i am sorry that it felt that bad. but tonight, tonight i am angry too.

and next time mom, maybe you just shouldn't tell me. especially when all i really ever need to know is who it was this time.

the phone just rang and it was her...and my chest felt a little less tight for those brief moments. and i appreciate that more than anyone knows.

and so i will take one of these little blue pills and go to my bed and read the new book i bought today when i was wandering around aimlessly. and i will drift in to sleep and when i wake up tomorrow, it will be because i choose to.

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