spaghetti and skip-bo and er and gayness and pureness and other stuff
2002-12-05 ~ 12:15 p.m.

well then...i had company and spaghetti and such...oh yeah, and cookies...damn demanding women.

and mouse is gayer than mindy, and mindy is purer than comrade...

i am just the naughty little lesbian we all knew i was. 74% gay and only 37% pure...*adjusting halo*

what amusing fun.

tonight, mouse asked me why i did it...and i said i didn't know...but i do. i just needed to think about it and write it before i could say it...

i did it because knowing i did it made me feel better about myself. it made me not feel so worthless. it made me feel like i could somehow earn love. that is why i did it.

the principle of earning love...i wonder if i will ever squeak by that.

so anyway...i have this quarter and i am gonna flip it and see what happens...

*grin*

today...

has left me drained...

pale, withdrawn, blood pooling on the cold linoleum...

i think my fangs might be showing...

ahh...no, there is still a gleam deep in my eyes and a half stwisted smile resting lightly on my lips...

only one such as me could feel so grateful and so fucked at the same time. because deep down, even on my best days...the rabid-dog grip of worthlessness sank its teeth in a lifetime ago and just won't let go...and i am shaking.

shaking, indeed.

and it all has something to do with objectification, a rear view mirror, and people who never looked back. people who should have...and might have...but didn't see me. didn't really see me. do you see me?

"i'm a bit unstable she said...with a cheshire grin..."

i am backspacing again...

because what is resting on the tip of my tongue threatens to slide out and down my fingers and roll right onto these keys...

and that would just be messy.

so off i go to ride the waves of this, that and oh yeah, the little blue pill too.

sleep well...

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