a yearly recap...
2003-01-03 ~ 2:04 a.m.

that felt good...that was fun...

what i just did.

and if my neighbors didn't already think me crazy, they do now.

it was a long drive home.

the need to do something...to get the fuck out of my head...was and is overwhelming.

and i should have been able to do that tonight, had dinner cooked by comrade with an 8-ball at the house of a mouse.

and it was a good time and i was lousy company...

all during the drive up there i just couldn't find the button to turn the flood off. i looked...but i was already swept away deep in to the cavernous archives of my tiny mind.

so much, so little, and i cannot write about any of it...not here....these days, not at all.

it is cold in the house...not sure why, could just be me. the server is down or i would be giving you another sneak peek at debbie. the dogs are restless and anxious.

and me?

tonight i am haunted.

compounding.

random voices and little thought bubbles with black letters course through my veins...

pine cones and "are you safe"?

then gone...

so half a pack later i am still around...

and i am singing along with the indigo girls...

running my hands through my hair...

playing fetch with mo...

and thought now would be a good time to do a yearly recap...since i am nicely fucked up and will probably get it all wrong...

let's see...

january...i had mono and continued to lose my mind.

february...my cousin drowned and the spiralling tumble increased speed.

march...fuckheads trial and the anniversary of ashley's murder.

may...let's just leave may out of it, historically.

june...was so insane i thought i was sane. i fucked up all kinds of things that month. and then spent some time in the old hospital.

july...blondie and i were over and she moved out.

august and september...fuckfest infused with madness upon madness, spiced with some more madness. but if you think my heart was broken in any of it...then know better now.

october...was a month of personal empowerment and another harsh lesson learned.

november...was narrating and having my tires slashed.

december...twinkling in the lights of my neighbors festivities...and basking in the warmth of my fence on fire...

there it is, in a tight recap. *grin*

i will take every lesson. every drop of blood spilled. every breath.

because in return...

i have met new people and gotten reaquainted with old friends in the last year who are incredible.

getting to know these people made it all worth it. because we all know nothing happens by chance. (coincedence, even)

this year i have seen so many refletions of myself that i finally took a sledge hammer and shattered the damn thing so i could look at myself squarely inside and out. so i could evaluate what i saw and vow to change those things that might help me. and i have done that, and am doing it...

but some days...like today...my field of vision is awash in yesteryears.

and so i will take it to bed with me and see if it scatters like living shadows at dawn.

...previously... ~ ...next...