all kinds of talkative...
2003-01-05 ~ 4:12 a.m.

tonight...

one of my oldest friends asked me one of the oldest questions in the world...

"so, are you?"

and my god, it was funny! i almost fell off the balcony. so for my friend...i am sorry i never had the courage in myself to tell you. i was afraid of judgement or betrayal...and i did underestimate you. i knew i was underestimating you for years, just like hester.

and i can't explain to you why it is such a hard thing to say...how i could more readily admit to the worst thing i have ever done. i judged myself for being gay for years.

as i have said, i came out to myself on my 21st birthday. it is not that i didn't know already. it was far worse. it was that i had never known a lesbian, had no context for understanding any of my feelings, and had a very scary mental image of dykes in my little head. that day, my 21st birthday i went in to a lesbian chat room. just to watch and see what they might be like. and i was amazed. they were vets and nurses and students and retired teachers...they were normal people. and so i took the first step up a great big mountain...

living with terri i was tormented by my religion versus being gay. a way to integrate the two...a way to feel whole and rend the gap between my sexuality and spirituality. it took years and i still sometimes struggle with it. you know what sunday school does to kids...fucks with their heads.

tonight, hester said she had never seen me dance...not really. and at first i thought she had to be wrong...that surely she had been there at least once on all the many occassions....did i say many? i meant few...very few.

because there are some friends that you carry so close to your heart that you always feel them near...even when your own self-judgement and fear try to be the thief of time.

i waited almost exactly 6 years to make that phone call to hester from that hotel room. and i am sorry it was on the phone. i was sort of 'visiting' timberlawn.

every time i play the song "dam would break"...i think of you. a little bit of toad.

"for all the things i hid away

and all the words i could not say

the dam would break..."

i have an accoustic version that will break your heart. i also have them covering "hey bulldog"....*grin* hell yeah

and i could never explain how incredible it was to hear hester say her best friend was a lesbian like it was no big deal.

and we all sat on some straight and engaged couple's balcony and drank all their beer. we told stories. we laughed and drank. we were the outcast non-engaged and/or homosexual people.

then we went to eat. and then we went to get jiggy at the lesbian bar.

it was great fun!

i wish that hester and tammy could know some of the last 6 years. to know that even though i held on to that secret for so long, i am proud. right down to my rainbows.

i am wandering off this track now...

there was a night in the side pasture in front of becky's old house...we were standing in the pasture, an odd mix of us...watching the fog. we were drunk, fucked up...and i remember the way it slid so slowly past me...it seemed almost solid...or maybe i was just that fucked up.

ahhh....dammitt.

i didn't want it this way. wanted it any other way than this way. tonight, anything but this.

cleaning sounds a better alternative. i am wound up so tight i think i might break like a guitar string...and i would watch your fingers.

57 unedited pages from my first memories to having just turned nine.

very little spirals me like listening to toad and pop poppins and such alone. god, the memories surge...so many. but it can work both ways...spiral up or down. if i am alone...it is usually down...but i am getting stronger.

i have lost so many pieces of myself to others. ah, but when you "love like we do..."

i claim to have loved and loved well...and i have. so many people. so many people i hold close and keep under jars.

we crave love. we crave it. and we try to stop that need, to convince ourselves it isn't important...because rejection hurts less than not being loved, than being unlovable.

some of it hurts like hell and some of it tastes like honeysuckle at 8:03 a.m still wet with dew.

..."when will we fall...when will we fall down..."

i am compelled to keep typing...can't seem to stop tonight. i keep going back and forth between this entry and my little project. i need books i don't have and can't afford. i need a library card.

and just because i have started this thing doesn't mean i understand everything about me. about disorders and trauma related to me.

but it is starting to explain some of those little quirks i have and is starting to touch on the bigger issues...those i am aware of anyway.

i still have a long way to go. it is always a long way to go until you are there.

"crazy life" is playing again...

i want to howl at the motherfucking moon. i want to drive 45 mph (because it is as fast as it goes!) while sharpening pencils on the pavement hanging out the door.

i know exactly why and how i ended up no longer able to do those things. we learned the lessons of life and death early, and even though i lived in wild abandonment, i always knew death was lurking nearby. i beat myself up for not being stronger. for not being able to just grin and bear it and make it happen. for losing my mind somewhere in the spin cycle of the grief process.

and i wonder if i would get more satisfaction from walking into rush hour traffic on 635 and throwing my heart at a speeding Dart bus and taking a picture of the splatter pattern to frame.

i could use some wall decor. or i could just hang some more posters. haha...you love me. you know you do.

i want to throw things away. make sure i don't throw myself away this time.

change...come.

and it would be nice if you didn't blow sand in my eyes this time.

it will be dawn soon. i might watch the sunrise before i sleep.

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