my jacket is on the floor...
2003-01-17 ~ 11:12 p.m.

do me a favor...don't read this.

my leather jackert is where i left it...

on the kitchen floor.

...where i left my soul long ago...where they buried my heart.

and he was right...to feel at all is to feel the pain of rejection in my world...

so fuck him...because i will take the dreadful confetti filled numbness to this...

any day.

because there is no one to catch these tears doc, no one.

and if it is alright with everyone...tonight i am going to bleed it all out...

and that way everything will be fine tomorrow...

cause things are better that way.

and it is best to not speak to me of those things tonight...those things that will never be.

i know.

believe me, i know.

i know you love me...and i know how badly i am broken...

so tonight let me curl up in the fetal position and sob because my own mother saw me and didn't stop it...

because it never stops.

and sometimes, as comrade said, it is just a raw deal...

sure.

because i will never be good enough. i will never measure up. doc...you want me to journal?

read the first 117 pages of this book and tell me i don't feel...

i feel so much more than anyone will ever know.

and it is all better that way anyway.

i am healthier than that. so much more.

and i will shake this off with a smirk and a toss...

because i know...i know...

what on earth was i thinking?

wait...i just need another shot.

maybe later when i am not batting away tears that should never have been mine to begin with.

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