stuff...
2003-01-18 ~ 8:16 a.m.

michael brought me back my zippo!! i love him!!

it is rare, but i have a favor to ask...

don't go back an entry...i thought of editing it out or password protecting it. but i made a mess and i need to hold on to it, because the mess is mine. so yeah, go back two entries or something if you got behind. thanks

so i woke up around 6 yelling at dogs...who were barking...

stumbled in here...sat and talked with little karla. we did the slogan generator with everyone's names...

we laughed a lot, it was funny.

last night was happy hour...

last night i drank tequila shots with 8-ball through straws...and actually sucked on lime. would someone kindly remind me next time that carla+tequila=nothing good ? nevermind that... you know what, thanks.

the circles under my eyes are darker than they have been...

my arms have bruises from pinching (ouch!)...my left arm is just in bad shape in general...

i need something different tonight.

and because i just can't explain...or haven't explained the thing with my parents...it is because i don't know what to think. i love them without measure, yet there are rifts there that may never be mended. it comes down to my mom accepting me for who i am. she says she wants to know...but those things she thinks she wants to know...she doesn't. yesterday we talked about how my mom takes every situation and smiles and says it is okay. inside, things are ripping apart...but no one will know it. i can pretend this away or i can intervene and change things or i can just hide you because you are an embarrassment...

and i understand that i 'believed it before i ever knew it'...

and i have thought of calling my brothers and trying to explain...but where do i even begin?...and end?

and the core of the conundrum is "hurting someone"...

i only wish that i could find my self worth...i know i am 'just not seeing it', but even still. my original sense of self worth was taken from me. and so i created substitutes. but they were fucked from the go due to cognitive distortions. so now, here i am. muddling through it, blindfolded in the dark.

but i would rather do anything than hurt my mother. i spent my life trying to earn her love and not hurt her....because one of the first lessons i learned was that you had to earn love. like racking up points. why did i thisnk this? because i was unworthy of her love. so i constantly had to be earning that love...or she would get hurt and then i would be devastated because she couldn't possibly still love me.

(those of you who recognize a pattern...yeah)

i get it.

i got it a while back. i am working on it. i have made signifigant progress.

and while i tripped up a little last night...yesterday, in general.

i am being underestimated...

yes, i know i have been isolating myself in some ways...for a few weeks.

but feelings? i truly don't have the words...refer back to "frustrated with myself". <---that is a link, by the way. *shaking head* i have hit a brick wall in my writing. a huge brick wall. because i have feelings...god, do i ever...but i cannot write about them. my hands, my mouth...they can't keep up with it. and to tell you the truth, so much of it is utter confusion. because i have feelings that i don't recognize...that i don't understand. this and the other...

i need to find a way past my writing block and my frustration will cease.

*smile*

forgive my ramblings...have a good day.

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