what on earth am i doing?
2003-01-19 ~ 2:43 p.m.

well, that was a weekend.

today is sunday...

today she surprised me with a guestbook entry about a guestbook entry...

and so i went and found what i wrote, and it sounds just like me. and you were surprised. and i want to know why.

take the pain, the "knowing", take it all...and ball it in your hands and let it fall through the slits between your fingers...

because there is beauty everywhere. and if you don't find it, if you can't see it...then you have probably never drowned in the backwash of humanity.

i tend to argue until i am as blue as my pajamas that i have led an incredible life full of wonder and beauty. i am not disqualifying the true pain, the torture, the death that has surrounded and embraced me.

i cannot look at myself and find anything worth salvaging most days...

but i look up at the sky with the eyes of a child...i look at you with the eyes of a child...

trapped in bewildered wonderment of all that i see.

it is a precious gift.

and i feel humbled to even try to sit here and explain how easy it is to see all that is incredible when you have been locked away for so long...

that fire burns both ways.

stumbling in here, chasing off the chill from leaving the covers...grabbing a coke and smokes on the way...

and more than anything i need reassurance right now. i need comfort. i know it won't happen...because there are very few people who can scale the walls i have up right now. and so i am pulling it together and knitting furiously from within. i am not sure what i might look like when this is all said and done...half afghan/half sock?

last night i laid in bed...my arm stinging, my lip quivering...smearing even more blood on sheets...on my pillowcase. i recognized and pointed the patterns out to myself...

dammitt. one more time around, please?

if i get enough chances i might get this right one day.

of course i didn't and haven't talked to doc, or comrade or mouse or hester or trey...or anybody about this. i have apologized to some for reasons unknown to them. as it should be.

it is all a matter of perception sometimes. other times...reality really is that distorted.

i went around 2 months without touching anything sharp and wanting to impale myself. that is a record in this year. and this is all about feeling. and my pain threshold is greater than you ever gave me credit for. i have been washed up and under the last few weeks in an unrelenting tidal wave of feelings. and i have tried, despite the leakage, to keep it to myself. as it should be.

more later...i have got to find some way out of myself for a while.

have you been outside? it is beautiful.

gizmo ate another one of my sweaters...just thought i would share.

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