do we really "get over" it? should we?
2003-10-31 ~ 4:15 a.m.

thirty minutes...

forty-five minutes...

an hour and a half later...

the microwave is clean. er.

so is the range.

and the sink.

and my truck.

smoking, chain smoking...

unfuckingbelieveable. and laughable.

nervous about an interview.

nervous about not having it together in time.

time for what?

i ran out of time a long time ago...this is borrowed.

i am cool. i am good.

i really don't want to do laundry. i hate laundry.

vowed that i would remember this day earlier...while cleaning off the counter.

for more than laundry or clean counters.

found one receipt in the 'catch-all' bowl...dated 10/31/2002...

from having a beer at sue's the night i met andy. pretty darn neat-o.

give candy to the kids.

laugh at your fears.

...

and if all else fails...pop xanax and wait for the floaty feeling to carry you awayyy...

i really would like to see scary movie 3 soon.

i have to go cause we know what the meds do to carla...

but...

i realized something today. not profound or specifically significant. but a realization. guess my definition of "love" can be extended to accomodate it.

moxie was right...it really is enough just to love someone sometimes. and get nothing in return. the very act of your love can propel you through life without resistance i think.

no matter the motives or the intentions, love sometimes happens. and sometimes it doesn't. and sometimes it happens to the extent that you nver fully recover. that you never want to. because to recover might be to lose this thing. and sometimes life moves us and we have to lose that person...

but that kind of love is never really gotten over.

it becomes soemthing that eats you alive somtimes ... or it may become an energy, pure and alive, that always surrounds that person and keeps them close to you in heart.

that last one is my favorite.

truly surrendering and loving after that is hard. but it happens all the same.

i remember refusing to make friends for years. really refusing. because the deaths don't stop, and it would be easier that way.

then i remembered what communities and families meant to me and so i reached out...

this has been a year of incredible friends. not always friendly, but family nonetheless.

today i want treats, no tricks. today...i want to be thankful. wrong holiday perhaps, but dammitt..."shush! my world!"

happy halloween boys and girls!!

^^v^^

...previously... ~ ...next...