words like honey
2003-11-04 ~ 8:32 a.m.

it seems that no one yet slept well last night. maybe it was the solar flares...

in those silent hours before sunrise i somtimes lose myself...

memories, fears and insecurities reach up with gnarled and threaded fingers grasping and clicking to get me.

in that moment when i need you the most, i can't reach out.

paralyzed by fear. rejection. incompetence. my own insecurities. your need to sleep.

irrational fears speaking with the voices of children who know suffering tell me that i am not good enough to wake you up and ask for comfort. worse, they scream for me to do nothing short of crawling away in the dark. don't reach out. don't love. don't trust. don't put us here again.

don't let them get us.

not out of the flow at all. no, very much in it. uneasy, yes, because some nights i am haunted. especially those nights when my life makes sense and i truly do feel as though i could do anything.

just remembering with heartache that the cost of getting here, at this moment, inevitably came at my own fractured expense.

yet for all that was lost or gained...

if i were to backtrack to the moments before your eyes closed with the heaviness of sleep...

when you were whispering sweetness and thrilling me with hope and love.

if i were to break the embrace with your blessing to be excused while your touch and taste still linger...i could write poetry again.

words like honey. they come slowly...but ever so sweetly.

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