going nowhere
2004-05-11 ~ 8:38 a.m.

okay...we will return to our regularly scheduled programming for a bit longer.

i archived april and got this damn thing downloaded. i also made the 1 or 2 entries where i wasn't quite so vague vanish behind locked doors.

it is better.

i have also put my website back up, which has only been over a year in delay. not quite ready for tourists, but the season is almost upon us.

spent the better part of the last fourteen hours sleeping. guess i was tired.

i went to visit my parents. home.

and i love them, i do. even when they make it so hard to do.

helps with the right hand and punches with the left. i know this theme...

eh.

and i told hester the truth...they know nothing of this love.

and if they did know...ahh, i have always wanted to believe that they would see it and know that it couldn't be bad, unnatural, immoral, strange...that is was the most natural, unpremeditated thing that could have happened. that it is written in to the fabric of my life. that i am a better person for it. for having loved as i have loved. i could write more stories about that than anything else most days.

and if they did know...ahh, it would not really be that way you see. i know and i accept because i have to, if i want more than one family in my life. but i don't expect anyone else to. i know this story...i have heard it before.

i meant what i said about finding someone who really could leave me alone about my parents.

i will never tell them. they will never know all of me. they never have.

that is the only reason i still have them in my life, even on a limited scope. and because they are my parents, i want them there...even if only in measured bits and pieces.

even if it rips me apart.

we had a conversation about lisa allee, you see. my mom and i. about how she put her dad in the hospital for being a lesbian. and surely it wasn't the son's upcoming prison time that had created the additional stress...no.

i am going to stop believing that i ever gain any ground.

i cannot believe i am almost 30 years old, and i want my parents to get a divorce...or at least split up. get my dad a house somewhere...anywhere he wants...and let him be content with his beer and tv. let him be happy. i'll take care of him. someone needs to.

even if he wouldn't look at me and i barely saw him for an hour the entire trip.

the stars were nice...but they went under-appreciated...i was not in the mood to drive down the road.

this is going nowhere and i have shit to do...

...previously... ~ ...next...